Why Do I Write? by CG The Beat Within

Why Do I Write?
by CG of The Beat Within
Corcoran State Prison (SHU)

thebeatwithin.org

It hasn’t always been easy for me to write, and I still struggle at it from time to time due to the fact that I confront so many feelings and emotions when I sit down and write from my heart and soul. For so many years I have struggled with this, ‘cause for so long I didn’t know what a heart and soul was, or what it meant. It’s the innermost sacred part of a human being. It’s the most precious gift a person can possess or share with someone else.

When I sit down and write, all defense mechanisms are shut down, and there’s no holding back — there’s no hiding anything from the person you are writing. Whatever you are doing with your creative skills, it must be done from the heart and the truth that lies inside; for it’s an intimate moment with yourself and the person (or cause) you’re sharing your heart with.

The only things we actually keep are those we give away. Sharing a piece of writing that comes from your heart is giving it away to someone who takes the time to read it. It means everything to me when someone takes time to read what I have to say or express. You know, for many years there wasn’t much that had any meaning to me besides faking to be the person that I thought others would want me to be. All I cared about was impressing others, doing whatever I had to, to earn their acceptance and praise. Living that life has kept me in the dark and from identifying and knowing the true person I am.

I’m 28 years old right now, and I didn’t even begin to know the true me until I decided to let the old me go completely. This started a few years ago to be exact. I discovered who I truly was through writing and by sharing with my family the truth about me by revealing to them the news of me having a personal relationship with my higher power. That’s how it began, and the more I wrote, the more I learned. And I must tell you: my life has been changing for the better ever since. Granted, I’m still in prison. I still have 15 years to do, but finally I’m able to get to know the real me. That has been a gift from up above.

I’ve lived a hard life, going from placement to placement, camp to camp, juvenile hall, CYA, now prison. I’ve been in prison for 10 years. I’m doing 25 years for robberies. A sad fact, but a fact nonetheless. I’m not proud of my past, and I can’t change what is already done; but I can surely change who I am today, and I am changing through writing, by sharing and expressing my emotions and thoughts on paper.

I lived my life the way I did because I was hiding from the person I truly was, and living my life for the person I thought I was. I should have been living my life for those who truly cared about me. I wish my past on no one, and I am lucky to have lived long enough to change. Some more worthy people are not as fortunate. May God bless their souls. Rest in peace.

Writing means a lot to me, for that’s how I began my searching and took a fearless moral inventory of myself. I discovered who I am. I found a lost little boy inside who was very happy to be rescued. That little boy has grown up some and has been through a lot of pain and hardships. All the assaults upon my life have truly made me stronger and have played a big part in forming the person I am today.

I’ve spent many days in pain and tears, sifting through all the demons that were within. I figured out a way to deliver myself from them, and that’s by writing down my feelings and thoughts. I’m finally discovering the person I’ve always wanted to be. It was hard to find it, and I had to let go of the old me.

One may ask, what does this have to do with me? Or, how does this apply to my life? Writing has enabled me to open up doors to people in ways I had never thought imaginable since those doors have never been open before. So, it hasn’t been easy. But then again, nothing with value in life comes easily. Everybody tries to be so perfect, and that causes us to hold back in fear of what another person may think.

Being able to open up and write has given me the courage to say on paper what I have failed to say in person, or simply never thought of saying at all. Being able to write and share my heart with someone is one of the greatest gifts I can ever offer. In doing so, I offer myself. Before, the true “me” was always beneath the so-called image of “I don’t care about anything” attitude, which was nothing but a mask of lies.

I don’t know how my writing has affected others, but I know how some writings have affected me. All the letters my family has written me I’ve kept, for that’s a piece of their heart and soul on that paper which no one can take from me. God forbid, if something ever happens to them, at least this way I’ll be able to cherish and absorb the love and affection they put forth in the form of a letter, which I will always have. Those letters mean a lot to me, because possibly one day that’s all I will have.

Being able to express myself in writing has worked a great change in my life. The last few years have  been years of self-transformation. I can honestly say that writing and sharing my inner self with others, I’ve probably saved my life. The chance to express my most inner feelings has brought out a part of me I never knew existed.

Writing won’t keep you from all trials in life, but it will for sure help you cope and give you strength to carry on. Facing life’s changes is never an easy task, but using your pen as your vessel can get you through the roughest of waters. Some of the simplest words have the greatest meaning. Sometimes when I write, I’m blown away that I have written such words, and have expressed such emotion.

The more I write, the more I learn about myself. The more I learn about myself, the more I get in touch with who I am. The more I know who I am, the more I’m able to change the flaws in me. The more I work on myself, a better person emerges.

Writing has changed my life. It has rebuilt bridges that were once burnt. It has touched other lives that ordinarily wouldn’t be touched. It’s given me the courage to stand up and say, this is who I am. I’m proud of that now.

- CG wrote this from the SHU at Corcoran State Prison in Corcoran, CA